Gen Z Speaks: I was a socially awkward loner in secondary school. Being in online fandoms taught me to be braver and bolder

Transitioning from primary to secondary school was like stepping into a whole new world. In a strange new social landscape full of unfamiliar faces, cliques quickly began to form, and I soon found myself struggling to fit in anywhere. 
Not having the latest “cool” phones like many of my peers, I was often subjected to their teasing. The phone I had was old and couldn’t handle many applications — to my parents, the only point of a phone was so I could communicate with them. 
Being a teenager is tough for everyone, but for a 13-year-old in 2017, being on social media was vital for social acceptance. Not being clued in on what my classmates were doing or saying on social media made me feel more self-conscious, awkward, and alone. 
Feeling like an outsider, I grappled with low self-esteem and began to withdraw from others. 
As a reward for doing well in my Secondary 2 mid-term exams, my parents got me a brand new phone. The first thing I did? Download Instagram. 
I became a fangirl overnight. 
I was quickly obsessed with all things K-Pop, and YouTubers like Dan and Phil. Instagram became my haven, where I dove into fandoms — online communities of people who are passionate about a shared interest, such as a TV show, book series, artist and so on. 
My following list quickly filled up with fan accounts for my favourite celebrities. The digital world quickly became my escape from reality, where I could scroll my problems away.  
And then I discovered fan-made video edits. 
A lot of these edits were just stitched-together clips of idols set to trending music and sound bites, but some fans went beyond this to incorporate motion graphics as well as other visual and sound effects to create compelling content. Blown away by their talent and skill, I spent hours on end lost in their creativity. 
Soon, my intrigue inspired me to try my hand at coming up with my own edits. 
After doing some research, I downloaded a few video editing apps on my phone, such as Cute Cut Pro, and began to experiment with them. 
At first, making video edits was just my little secret. I could not muster up the courage to publicly post my videos. I was afraid of being judged for my lack of skill and expertise, especially compared to all the impressive fanworks out there. 
However, seeing the supportive comments on fan accounts and the way fellow creators shared and uplifted each other’s content encouraged me to give it a shot.
After a few months, I created my own Instagram fan account and started uploading my video edits. 
Slowly but surely, they began gaining traction. The thrill of receiving comments and messages from people all around the globe praising my work was indescribable.
I felt fulfilled and proud, being able to develop a new skill while enjoying my pop culture interests. 
This hobby didn’t just provide a rewarding break from the pressures of real life. It gave me a newfound sense of self-confidence.
In my fandom journey, I found more than just followers — I found friends. Creating and sharing my work opened doors for me to connect with fellow like-minded enthusiasts who shared my passions from Malaysia, the Philippines, the United States and more. 
All the support and camaraderie I had been sorely missing in real life (IRL), I found in my online communities of fans. I realised that I wasn’t as alone as I had always felt. 
Over time, my online friends became more than words and emojis on my phone screen. They became my confidants and sounding boards who listened to my worries and troubles. Whenever I interacted with them, I felt comfortable truly being myself. 
With my fandom friends’ support, I slowly came out of my shell.  
I would start conversations with my school peers, something I rarely did before. When others engaged me in casual chats, I responded more openly and confidently.
Bringing the same energy I had with my online connections to my offline interactions helped me to forge more meaningful in-person friendships at school. 
Rather than keeping video editing as a side interest or hobby, I found myself developing a new drive and courage to further pursue it as a professional path. 
I began to entertain the thought of enrolling in Ngee Ann Polytechnic’s media post-production diploma programme, which focuses on content creation through the editing of motion graphics, audio and video for both digital screens and live stage. I was also excited to learn more about studio multi-camera production and other storytelling techniques.
Some of my online friends were studying media arts, and they gave me great advice on how to navigate the admission process and what to include in my portfolio for my Early Admissions Exercise application to the course. To my surprise, I got in — thanks to their encouragement.
Entering polytechnic was exciting but nerve-wracking. Like secondary school, this was new, uncharted ground for me. 
Unlike secondary school, though, I now had my fandom experiences to help me. 
Being in fandom brought me comfort, but it had also helped me develop a “thicker skin”. For instance, in fandom spaces, I had become used to the idea of reaching out to complete strangers via direct messaging on social media to become friends with them. 
Realising that I wasn’t nearly as afraid of being judged or rejected online made me wonder: Why not apply that to real life? 
Once I started interacting more with others, I began noticing some interesting parallels between my new IRL connections and my online relationships.
For example, I was surprised to observe the natural hesitation my school peers also seemed to feel when meeting others for the first time. 
Knowing that everyone feels a little vulnerable in social situations, whether online or face-to-face, made me feel a lot less alone.
Finally learning to step out of my comfort zone also helped me seize invaluable opportunities that poly presented.  
In 2022, I played the hybrid role of producer-presenter-editor for a CNA Campus podcast about the long-term impact of domestic abuse that was aired on CNA938.
In my final year of polytechnic, I was even invited to work with a team to create visuals for the National Day Parade 2023! It was a thrilling opportunity, one I could never have even dreamed of. 
I graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic in May. Looking back on my journey, I see what a profound and personal change I’ve undergone over the last five years. 
I give much of the credit for my transformation to my online friends. From our daily interactions online to even meeting some of them IRL right after my O Level exams, they’ll always be a significant part of my youth. 
We no longer communicate as much as we used to, and that’s just life — we’re all on our own paths pursuing our dreams and goals.
Nonetheless, I still count them as friends, and I will always be thankful to them for how they helped me grow in so many ways. 
For anyone who’s facing struggles similar to those I faced when I was 13, believe in your potential and be kind to yourself. Give yourself time and space for your own transformation story to take place. 
As I leave my schooling years behind to embark on my career, I carry with me the lessons learnt from my online community: The value of authenticity, kindness, and the transformative power of human connection. 
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Yasmin Razak, 20, graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic in May with a diploma in media post-production. She’s still best friends IRL with a girl she met on Twitter, who turned out to be her schoolmate.